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February 03, 2008

Journal Entry for "rule my life"

Cycles seem to rule my life. Seasonal, yearly, daily, emotional, psychological, creative, sexual, physical. Cycles within a moment and cycles that play out over years. Cycles of forgetting and remembering, focus and distraction, confidence and doubt. Though these cycles do no exist within closed parameters, they don't necessarily progress through linear experience, arriving at a desired destination. Cycle defines the structure of my life. Spiral defines my life's form.

During the course of a year (and its seasonal cycle) I spiral through efforts at physical activity and periods of inactivity. I run in the heat of summer and huddle near the space heater in my studio during the rainy season. At the beginning of each phase of activity I feel confident that I will break the spiral and continue running on into and throughout the rainy season. I encourage myself by thinking of how in shape I will be in a year's time if I discipline myself.

For several weeks, maybe a few months I will run on a fairly regular schedule. Just a couple miles at a time. No need to overdo it. I feel my body responding and am happy that I have some stamina. Twice, I ran local road races and felt good about my times. I've even lost a few pounds in the process. Then, a day comes when I don't go running for some reason and a certain feeling comes over me. I realize that I have lost my focus and that mundane concerns have squeezed out the time I had made available for running.

This may be a response to the shortening day or some instinctual need to hunker down in preparation for winter. After a few efforts to continue the routine I eventually go back to inactivity and focus on domestic concerns. Sometime after holiday, usually in late January, I will feel compelled to exercise. This year I have been downhill skiing. I am glad that I am fit enough to enjoy a full day without being sore the next. Spring rolls around and I make a few tentative runs in the rain. I don't like wet shoes. I feel confident that this year I will break the spiral and continue running through summer and on into the rainy season.

rule my life

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