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July 23, 2008

Home-life and a little bit of "Why?"

I do dishes. Keep the kitchen clean most of the time. I cook meals from scratch. I pay bills, manage household accounts, take out the trash; compost; recycling. I don't clean the bath and living rooms as often as I should. I practice music with my sons as often as I have time and patience. We play at our local farmers' market. Sometimes I feel my role is privileged (beyond being an American white male) disproportionately to my partner's role as bread winner (careerist). Sometimes I allow my aspirations to be co-opted by the mainstream gravitational pull. I run a small internet based import business that seems to have a future and the promise of a wage to contribute. I strive to budget our debt away and increase our assets. I succeed. I fail. I slip into limbo. I have an innate ability to understand technique in physical and intellectual endeavors but lack the drive and motivation to develop traditional mastery. I prefer the drone to athletic virtuosity, staying in one place and sinking-in to destination driven traveling. My deeper thoughts and personal philosophies are connected but non-linear to the point of distraction. They resist easy codification for purposes of self actualization. And I wonder if I am applying myself to the fulfillment of my potentials. I wonder whether my choices serve fear or family foremost. But, I do manage to create within my glacial progress - calving work that moves slowly toward exposure. Though its simplicity is borne by recognizable cultural surfaces I believe that, like icebergs, my work's greatest mass and complexity lies below this surface. And I don't pretend to ken those depths but set myself to exploring them the best I can via the act of creating.

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